I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
I am moving slowly w him. I havent even masturbated to him yet.
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Randomize
