hey in girl talk does "want to come over tonight and have some beers with me?" mean i want wiener?
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
Randomize
