oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
you think the cum will come out of moms black shirt?
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
