I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
Randomize
