Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Randomize
