so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
please remind me not to sleep with group members until after finals week.
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
Randomize
