Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
spencer pratt says his family invinted chess
that kid is like the al gore of hollywood.
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
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