So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
Randomize
