walking on gravel proved too much for her barefeet so she traded her bra for some guys sneakers.
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
