I wanna passion pit in your ass
whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
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