I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.
Got yourself a keeper right there.
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
She found 60 bucks at the strip club. Its probabably been in a vagina but really most money probably has
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Randomize
