K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
Randomize
