Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
We're exchanging pot brownie recipes in my substance abuse class. This is going to be an awesome 7 weeks.
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
Randomize
