i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
There way too many people in that club who have had their dick in me
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
Randomize
