I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
Randomize
