I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize
