did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
Randomize
