Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
you missed a midterm to shack? WOW. How desperate are you?
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
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