The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
he has officially spend more money on me than any other boy. and its all gone to plan b. awesome.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
I have surprise drugs for everyone
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
Randomize
