Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
he likes ron paul.... that's all i'm going to say....
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Randomize
