I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
Randomize
