I don't usually arrange sex via text message
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
Randomize
