I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
I shagged another guy with one ball last night. Are there really that many dudes with one nut in la or am I just a magnet for prostetic testes?
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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