It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
so thats a no on the drunken crutches race 2moro
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
Randomize
