she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
Still dying that you shit outside
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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