Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
Randomize
