I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
Randomize
