He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
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