hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
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