Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
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