sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
Randomize
