i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
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