mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
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