A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
Randomize
