FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
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