I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Randomize
