im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Randomize
