Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
Randomize
