Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
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