Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
