not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
Only three months past my 21st and I'm done. So many life lessons in so little time.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
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