i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
just saw someone whip out a flask during lecture... I think I found a study partner
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
