I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
just went home with a guy that made fun of me in elementary school. this blow job is not going well for him.
Randomize
