my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
I'm not sure if you saw my recent facebook update, but I have already put the Radio Flyer wagon to good use. I had someone pull me to the nearest bar.
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
Nothing says casual like stairwell bjs
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Randomize
