Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
If I were a hot girl. I'd whore around, I'd be awesome.
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
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