How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
I'm excited for you as you venture towards new drug experiences
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
