i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
jump out the window naked night went bad
Randomize
