Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
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