um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
Randomize
