Let's roleplay tonight. I'll be drunken diva and you be sexy sober.
IF that's your way of making me dd then count me out.
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
Btw I puked in your glovebox
Randomize
