Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
Randomize
