dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Randomize
