You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
I don't see why you're so upset, it's not like you were wearing pants either.
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
That's a really terrible idea.
Awesome I'm gonna do it then, thanks for the input
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
Randomize
