I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
Well hey if hot cowboys are involved then all bets are off.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
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