happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
Randomize
