i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
Randomize
