i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Randomize
