I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
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