when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
50% drunk capacity currently
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
Randomize
