so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
Randomize
