Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
I puked off the balcony.
Not horrible
Into the hottub. There were six people in it. I had eaten all their pizza.
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
He is nice. Kind of short though. But didn't try to rub his jean cock on me.
Which I appreciated.
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
Randomize
